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  I need to go. Shouldn’t have come.

  “So, you’re Lee’s friend from years back, yeah?” Josh asked, lifting one ankle up to rest it on his knee. “Heard a lot about you.”

  Ryan swallowed. “All good, I hope.” What the fuck did I say that for?

  Josh laughed. “Yep, all good. So, what prompted this surprise visit, then?”

  Like I’m going to be telling you. “Uh, I just came on a whim. You know, to do something different for a change.” Jealousy gripped Ryan harder, squeezing his guts, and he couldn’t stop himself asking, “Known Lee long?”

  “Long enough.” Josh laughed again, the sound irritating as hell, tinny and smug.

  Ryan looked to Lee for support. Come on. Out with it. Tell me he’s your bloke and I’ll fuck off. Get out of your way.

  Lee drained his can and put it back on the table. “Josh, didn’t you say you had stuff to do?” He gave him a look as if to tell him to go into another room. “Me and Ryan have got a lot to catch up on. Old times to talk about.”

  Josh lowered his foot, a lazy motion that pissed Ryan off, proving Lee’s bloke didn’t relish leaving them alone and being out of the picture.

  “Ah. I see, you want to be alone.” Josh winked and stood. “Anyway, I’ve got to be getting back. Sue’ll be wondering where I’ve got to.”

  Sue?

  Josh turned to face Ryan. “Nice to meet you. You staying long?”

  Ryan blushed, realisation dawning as Josh reached down the side of the sofa, brought out a coat, and slipped into it.

  “Um, I’m not sure. Depends on Lee.”

  God, do I feel like a bastard.

  “Stay as long as you like, mate,” Lee said. “And Josh? Hurry up and piss off out of here. I’ll see you at work on Monday.”

  “All right, all right! Jesus!” Josh winked at Ryan. “You just hope he doesn’t treat you like this. Nice meeting you. Safe journey home if I don’t see you before you leave.”

  He held out a hand, and Ryan reached out to shake it, guilt and shame flooding his cheeks. Seemed like Josh was just a friend, and straight if the name Sue was anything to go by.

  Shit.

  Josh left the room, hand raised, and his footsteps receded, disappearing as the front door closed. Ryan looked at Lee, who flung a throw cushion at him, a great big smile on his face.

  “You thought he was my bloke, didn’t you?”

  Ryan’s face heated further. “No, not at all. Don’t know what you’re on about.”

  “You did, didn’t you? Aww, shit!” Lee got up and plunked himself down beside Ryan, face serious. “I haven’t been with anyone other than you, you know.”

  What? “Um, really? How come?”

  “Because…well, I needed to find myself, didn’t I? Told you that when I left. Couldn’t do that with a man in my life, but now? Yeah, I think I’m ready to start again.”

  Bet he’s got someone in mind. Someone he’s met at work or someplace. “Good for you. Someone nice?”

  “Yup.”

  Ryan stared at the Monet, emotions swirling through him: guilt at thinking Josh a jerk, shame at realising he wasn’t, and envy toward the man who Lee had chosen as a partner. I’m too late. I waited, thinking we had something back then, and now it’s all gone to shit.

  “You,” Lee said, nudging him in the ribs. “If you’ll still have me.”

  Ryan turned his head, staring at Lee wide eyed and open mouthed. He hadn’t heard right. Couldn’t have, because Lee had said—

  Lee leaned across, his nose bumping against Ryan’s, and smoothed his hand up Ryan’s coat-covered chest. Their lips met, and a burning fire took over them. Lee undid the coat, and Ryan shirked out of it, his movements awkward while they still kissed. Lee broke away and straddled him, sitting on his thighs. He slid his hands beneath Ryan’s T-shirt, fingers and palms gliding up his belly and back down again. Ryan’s cock hardened, strained against his jeans, and Lee must have sensed it. He popped open the button and lowered the zip, freeing Ryan’s cock with long fingers. They curled around it, the touch sending Ryan dizzy. He stared at Lee, willing him to move that hand and make him come hard and fast. This wasn’t how he’d expected it to be, but it didn’t matter. Urgency gripped him, and he wanted to touch and taste every part of Lee all at once.

  Lee released Ryan’s cock and stood, pulling Ryan upright with him. They stared at each other, the silent message saying they needed to get undressed. Now. Helping one another out, they shed their clothing, tossing it to the floor then moving together into an embrace where cocks and chests met. Hands roved asses, hips circled, and bollocks brushed together.

  God. God, this is so fucking intense.

  Ryan crushed his lips to Lee’s, and their kiss grew frantic, a coupling of tongues that set Ryan’s cock to throbbing. Lee guided his hands up Ryan’s back, settling his palms on his shoulders and pushing Ryan down. Ryan kneeled, and without hesitation took Lee’s cock into his mouth. Lee’s hands on Ryan’s head set the pace, and Ryan gripped the other’s ass, kneading the soft yet taut flesh. Lee’s girth stretched his mouth wide, the tip of his cock skating against the roof of his mouth before butting the back of his throat. Lee moaned then muttered curses, and Ryan sucked harder, wanting to taste his cum for the first time.

  “Ah! Wait!” Lee hissed, easing his cock out and kneeling before Ryan. “This way. Please.”

  He lay on the floor, and Ryan sunk that cock into his mouth again, hand slipping between Lee’s legs to finger the soft strip between ass hole and bollocks.

  Lee whispered, hips bucking, “I want you to do something. Something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Thought about it at night. Wondered…ah…if you’d be up for it.”

  Ryan pulled up on his cock and took it from his mouth, turning to face Lee. “What is it?”

  “My belt. On my jeans.” Lee blushed. “Would you tie my wrists?”

  Ryan stared at him, unable to believe he’d heard right. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to do it or that the request shocked him—more along the lines that tying Lee’s wrists would have him shooting his load right now. He scooted over to the jeans and yanked the belt from the loops, returning to kneel beside Lee, his cock throbbing to a painful degree. Lee held his wrists up together, and Ryan wrapped the belt around them, securing the buckle.

  “Come here.” Lee raised his arms and patted Ryan’s leg. “Give me your cock.”

  Ryan moved over Lee, knees either side of his head, cock pointing toward Lee’s mouth. His guts lurched with excitement, and he knew he wouldn’t last much longer. He lowered as much as he could without lying completely flat, and Lee took him into his mouth. God, that felt so fucking good, and he sucked Lee’s cock the way he wanted Lee to suck his, with hard, unforgiving pulls.

  Pressure built, and the combination of Ryan sucking and being sucked proved too much. The base of his cock throbbed along with the vein in Lee’s, and Ryan came, his groans and murmurs muffled around Lee’s hardness. On Ryan’s second shot, Lee’s cum filled his mouth, and he swallowed to make room for more. Ryan spilled into Lee again, two gushes in rapid succession, and he juddered above him, the rhythm he’d acquired going out of beat. He pulled up on Lee’s cock, milking the rest of his cum, tongue flat against the shaft, lips tight. He raised his ass, easing himself out of Lee’s mouth, that soft wetness too much now on his sensitive tip. He lifted his head, and Lee’s cock left his lips with a soft pop.

  Heart beating wildly and bubbles of exhilaration in his gut, Ryan manoeuvred so he rested beside Lee, the rug soft on his skin. They lay on their backs, panting, sweating, legs knotted together. Ryan put the back of his hand to his brow, waiting for his breathing to settle. He laughed, then said, “Fuck, that was good.”

  “It was.” Lee turned his head to look at him. “Better than our first attempt.”

  “Yeah.” Ryan laughed again, thoughts of Lee’s mother coming to the fore. “Yeah.”

  Long moments passed, and Ryan contemplated what would happen nex
t. Things just couldn’t change. Not now. Not when they’d shared something like this and worked together so well. He replayed the past few minutes in his mind, needing to brand it there in case this was one of the only memories he’d have once he told Lee his reason for being here.

  Despite his mind being crowded with images, sleep crept upon him, and his eyelids drooped.

  “Reckon it’s bedtime,” Lee said. “I didn’t get a chance to ask. How did you get here? You passed your driving test without telling me?”

  Ryan yawned and sat up, undoing the belt. “No. I got lifts then walked the last couple of miles.”

  “Shit, no wonder you’re half asleep. Come on.”

  He trailed Lee upstairs, still naked, and climbed into bed beside him, the sheets smelling of Lee, the mattress a balm on his aching muscles. As though he’d always done it, he nestled against his lover, head on his chest, leg draped over the other’s. He shut his eyes, and Lee whispered, “Need you here.”

  Ryan opened his mouth to speak, but sleep closed around him at the same time as Lee’s arms.

  BLINDED

  ~

  Chapter Three

  Ryan woke, disconcerted for a moment at opening his eyes to a strange room. Faint sunlight tried to infiltrate the blackout blind, only succeeding in seeping around the edges, bleeding onto the wall like a square, dull aura. He rolled onto his side and studied Lee while he slept, his lover facing him. How had he ever spent so long away from him? He smiled wryly. By knowing if you let someone go they come back to you, that’s how. Or so the saying goes, anyway.

  He wanted to stroke Lee’s face but feared waking him, so stuffed his hands between his legs. Taking in Lee’s stubbled jaw line, he imagined how it would feel against his skin and squirmed with the twitching of his cock. His love for Lee blinded him with its intensity, always had, and nothing could change that. If things went wrong, well, he’d just have to deal with it, but no matter what, your first love always held a special place in your heart, didn’t they? He thought about that for a moment and realised how naive he was. Didn’t his mum marry her first love and hate him now?

  I can’t see Lee making me hate him, though what I’ve come to tell him might have him hating me for not telling him sooner. I’ll do it today. Get it over with.

  His stomach churned at the prospect, and he shoved the thoughts way, filling his mind with memories of last night. Their frantic coupling had surprised him. He’d dreamed of it since they’d been parted, imagined it would be slow and tender, romantic, even. It wasn’t, but it didn’t matter. Hopefully there was plenty of time for ease and gentleness—if he didn’t mess up what he’d come to do.

  He sighed, his stomach knotting again, and tried to go back to sleep. Mind alive and in no mood to cooperate, he opened his eyes, rolling onto his back to stare at the ceiling. How many times had he done this over the past four years, tormenting himself as to who shared Lee’s life? He shook his head. Many wasted hours in the middle of the night spent worrying, only for his suspicions to be dashed by Lee’s admittance that there had been no one since Ryan. Wow. That they’d both abstained from sex, from getting involved with someone else—that had to mean something, right?

  Unable to lie still any longer, he got out of bed and padded downstairs, picking his clothes up from the living room floor and dressing quickly. He’d shower later and wash away the fatigue that lingered in his bones from all that walking yesterday. Besides, he didn’t like to make too much noise and wake Lee.

  In the kitchen, he familiarised himself with the layout and put the kettle on to boil, then stared out the window at miles of countryside. The view, all patchwork fields in greens and browns, was a comfort to look at and calmed him a little. The sun hung just above the horizon, and its bright light gave the illusion of a summer’s day. The frost on the grass just outside told a different story, and he had the urge to go out there in the bracing cold to shock the tiredness from him.

  Kettle boiled, he made a coffee and found some keys in a box on the wall. It took a few tries to find the right one, but he unlocked the door and stepped outside, the chilly patio numbing his bare feet. The air worked its magic, and he woke fully, body as alert as his mind. He sipped his coffee, steam from the mug thick due to the outside temperature, and his breaths puffed out in white clouds. Goose bumps popped up on his skin, and he went back inside to get his coat.

  Lee stood in the kitchen doorway, tousle headed and sleepy eyed, a pair of grey jersey tracksuit bottoms on. “Thought I’d dreamed it when I woke up to find you gone.”

  “Couldn’t sleep. Always the same when I sleep somewhere other than my own bed. You all right?”

  “Yeah. Shut the door, will you? Bloody cold!” He winked and clicked on the kettle. “You all right?”

  Ryan closed the door. “Yeah, thanks. Got anything planned for today?”

  Lee yawned. “I was going into the next town over to do the weekly shop—nothing exciting—but I think I’ve got enough to last the weekend if you’d rather not go.”

  “I don’t mind either way. Whatever you want.”

  Lee poured kettle water into a cup. “We could go to the pub for lunch. Give the villagers something to talk about.” He smiled and put the kettle down, then mimicked gossiping mouths with his hands.

  Ryan smiled, leaned his elbows on the worktop beside Lee, and looked out the window again. “Could do.” He paused, then, “How long did it take you to get used to living up here?”

  Stirring in coffee and sugar, Lee said, “About six months. Was too quiet at first, but then again, that’s what I needed. Peace to think. Now, I don’t think I could go back to a town to live. Too much going on. Too many people wanting to know your business. All right, there are a few here who are the same, but for the most part they avoid me. Phobic, see. That has its uses.” He smiled again then sipped his drink. “Come on. Living room. Bloody nippy in here.”

  Ryan followed him down the hall. In the living room, Lee flicked on a three-bar fire, put his coffee on the table, and moved to sit in his recliner then changed his mind. Flopping onto the sofa, he looked up at Ryan and frowned.

  “You sure you’re all right?”

  Ryan nodded and sat at the other end. “Yeah, course I am.”

  “Any regrets?”

  “No. Fuck no! It’s just…” I can’t do it. Can’t tell him.

  “Just what?” Lee sat upright, worry tightening his features. “Look, if you’ve got something to say, say it. Whatever’s worrying you, we’ll sort it out. You forget I know you. Know when something’s bugging your arse. So come on. Out with it.”

  Shit. Ryan’s heart sped up, and his pulse throbbed, the sound so loud he couldn’t hear anything else for a moment. He swallowed. Just tell him. Get it over with. “Your mum—”

  Lee frowned. “What about her?”

  Ryan stared at him. Deep gouges in Lee’s brow indicated his annoyance at the mention of his mother. Hadn’t he said he didn’t want anything more to do with her? Didn’t want to know anything about her? But this was different, wasn’t it? No way could Ryan withhold that kind of information. Lee’s downturned mouth spurred him on to get it over and done with.

  “I don’t know how to say this or how you’ll take it, and I’m only bringing a message because I think you have a right to know. She’s, uh, she’s dead.” Blunt and to the point, Ryan. Well done.

  Lee’s mouth opened and closed, and he reached for his coffee, taking a large gulp and staring at the doorway. “Right. And why did I need to know this? You know how I feel about her.” He glanced at Ryan then looked back at the hallway. “It wasn’t just her reaction when we were younger. She’s always tried to manipulate me, treated me like I had to do what she wanted or suffer the consequences. It was never simple, my life. She was slap happy; you saw the bruises enough times to know that. Best thing I ever did coming here.”

  “I’m sorry.” Ryan felt sick. He sensed Lee’s barely suppressed anger and wished he’d got someone else to come here
and do what the old lady asked, but wasn’t it better that Ryan had come? “Look, I know how you feel, but it isn’t like you think. She left two notes. One for whoever found her, and one for you.”

  Lee’s wry, bitter-sounding laughter cut the air. “Ah, she was still on form right until the end, then. Manipulating people to do what she wanted. Come on then, what did the note say? And who found her? And how the fuck did you get to hear about it? May as well hear the whole sordid tale.”

  “Uh, she asked that the police not come and inform you that she’d gone—that one of your friends had to do it. Me, actually, though no one else offered anyway. Her next door neighbour heard the…noise and went to check on her. They apparently had each other’s house keys. And she knew someone who knew me—knew me and you had been friends as kids. And, uh, she left you some money. It’s in my bag.”

  “Don’t want it.” Lee stood and walked over to the window, staring out at a village that had never accepted him. Much like his mother.

  Christ, poor bastard. “Didn’t think you would, but I brought it anyway.”

  Lee sighed and sipped his coffee. “Suppose you’re going to tell me she died in her sleep, all peaceful, no suffering. Not what I wished for her, I can tell you. And yeah, I sound a bastard, but you weren’t brought up by her. You—”

  “Hey!” Ryan got up and stood beside him, placing his hand on his arm. “I know all this, don’t I? No need to explain it to me. I understand, all right? I only came because if I didn’t tell you, you’ve got to admit you’d wonder why. It’s one of those situations where I can’t do right for doing wrong, but that’s okay. I expected that.”

  Nodding, Lee said, “Sorry. Not your fault. It’s just…when I think of her, all the bad comes back, know what I mean? Like it was all happening again, except I see it in my head. But I feel it inside. Still fucking feel it, as if it was fresh. God!” He sniffed and sipped again. “So how was it? How did she go?”