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  The thought of losing your partner did that to a body.

  Ryan lowered his hand from Lee’s hair and snuck it between them, gripping their cocks in the limited space and massaging them up and down. Lee gripped Ryan’s ass cheek with his free hand, fingertips digging into the flesh, showing Ryan his pumping of their cocks was getting to him. It wouldn’t be long before they both exploded, their forced abstinence something of the past, their orgasms releasing so much more than sexual tension. Ryan hoped it would also release the past, set it free so they could move on, locking the memories of this time deep inside, only bringing them out once they were stronger and more able to deal with them.

  Lee probed deeper inside Ryan’s ass, and in response Ryan sucked Lee’s bottom lip hard, the questing finger bringing on a rush of desire so strong Ryan’s cum threatened to spurt. He jerked their shafts harder, faster, movement impeded by their closeness. Their frantic fumbling only heightened Ryan’s need, the rawness of it, the animalistic grunts erupting in their throats a huge turn on. Lee pushed his finger up higher, scratched Ryan’s ass cheek with his free hand, four deep scores down the globe, and Ryan was undone. He snatched his mouth away, lowering his lips to Lee’s shoulder and biting down hard. His fingertip rubbed Lee’s special spot, his other hand fist-fucking them with frenzied jerks.

  Ryan’s balls tightened a second before the tingle of orgasm grew stronger at the base of his cock. He licked up Lee’s neck, sucked in his earlobe. Lee’s groan close to his ear was all Ryan needed to let go. Cum spurted, hot, a forceful ejaculation, and Ryan guessed his lover had also come from the amount of heat that had landed on his belly.

  Fuck, he loved him. Loved him so damn much it hurt to think about it.

  He sought out Lee’s mouth, craving the touch of his tongue as he slowed his pace on their cocks and milked them of every drop they had left. Easing his finger out of Lee’s ass, he smoothed his hand up and down Lee’s back, the water splashing off his arm and giving his caress a slicker journey. He wound his fingers into the other’s hair and pressed Lee’s mouth to his, wanting to convey with his kiss just how much this man meant to him. How glad he was that Lee stood here with him now.

  Lee slid his finger out then up Ryan’s valley, creating circular swirls at the top then running his fingertips up his spine. Their tongues flicked against one another, lips squashed hard, teeth clashing with the intensity of what they both wanted to express. Those damn tears pricked Ryan’s eyes again, and he opened them, finding Lee looking right at him.

  Ryan pulled away, took his hand from their cocks and used both to cup his man’s face. That dear face, one with eyes that told Ryan everything he needed to know. He’d heard the expression that eyes were the windows to the soul, and if that was the case, if that was true, then Ryan could see right into the very depths of Lee’s. Ryan was loved, cherished, and although Lee never expressed himself in the romantic ways Ryan had suddenly wanted to hear, it didn’t matter. Not when such an open expression left Lee vulnerable and showed every damn thing he felt inside.

  Shit, I’m so lucky.

  They stood for a while, their cheeks pressed to the other’s shoulder, the water splashing onto Lee’s back and trickling down between them to pool where their bellies touched. Ryan didn’t want to move. Didn’t want the bubble to burst and real life to come crashing back. But it did with a sharp rap to the bathroom door.

  “Hey!” a woman called. “Hey, you okay in there?”

  “Crap,” Lee whispered, easing away from Ryan and reaching for the shower gel. “It’s that old bag nurse.” He cleared his throat and called out, “Yeah. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”

  He looked at Ryan when he said it, and Ryan knew those words had a deeper meaning. Life would be okay once they left here. For the most part, anyway. And if the shit hit the fan at the upcoming trial, then they’d deal with it as best they could. But for now, they’d rub along as they always had. Together.

  “Right,” the nurse said, voice muffled as though she had her face pressed up to the doorjamb. “Breakfast’s coming in five. So get a move on!”

  Her footsteps clip-clopped off, and Ryan released a breath he hadn’t realised he’d held.

  “Fuck,” he said. “Good job I shave my head.”

  “Why?” Lee frowned a little and began soaping Ryan’s body.

  “Because she’d know damn well what we’ve been up to if I had wet hair too.”

  Lee created circles of lather on Ryan’s chest, paying particular attention to the nipples. “I don’t give a fuck anymore.”

  “What?” Ryan raised his hands and gripped Lee’s wrists. “Can you say that again, just so I get it right for when I remind you what you just said next time you fret over what someone thinks about us.” He smiled and dragged his thumbs up and down the inside of Lee’s wrists.

  “Fuck off,” Lee said, smiling. “Come on, we’ve got a life to get on with.”

  WILDFIRE

  ~

  Chapter Two

  So they’d sneaked off for a weekend break. Big deal. Ryan had been pissed at Josh, the guy who had welcomed Lee when he’d first arrived in Biddingford, welcomed Ryan too. When Josh’d queried whether it was the right thing to do, it got Ryan’s hackles up. Yeah, he understood Josh worrying about Lee, but it wasn’t like they were going abseiling or taking a canoe on white water rapids, was it? Ryan had driven them to Norfolk, to a quiet village with a small stretch of beach and the solitude they both wanted. So far, Friday night they’d strolled from their cliff-top hotel to the local pub, The Chequers, and had taken a walk around the village earlier this Saturday morning. Really strenuous stuff.

  Pack it in. Don’t let your beef at Josh’s concern ruin this time alone.

  Ryan knew he was being stupid, possibly jealous that Josh gave any kind of shit about Lee. And why did he feel like that towards him all of a sudden? Was it because he’d had Lee all to himself while he’d been in hospital, that sharing him again now Lee had been allowed home was proving too hard?

  Yeah, probably.

  He questioned how he felt about that now as they once again sat in The Chequers, waiting for their Ploughman’s Lunch. Their booth shielded them; here they were, alone apart from a few other patrons who paid them no mind, and a bored-looking barman who polished glasses, his eyes blank as he stared out at a street void of anyone.

  Did Ryan suspect Josh was secretly gay, was that it?

  Oh, pack it the fuck in. That’s just stupid. What’s wrong with you, man?

  Lee toyed with a cardboard coaster advertising Heineken, and Ryan studied those fingertips as they skated along the edge, recalling with heat growing in his loins how those fingers felt on his body. Shit, Lee had the ability to make him weak in the knees, to want to act like a damn girl and get all soppy. How had that come about? Ryan had always been the stronger one, but now…?

  “Love you, man,” he said quietly, looking into Lee’s eyes as his lover glanced up from the previously riveting scenery of the coaster.

  Lee smiled, that quirk of his lips sending jolts of excitement to Ryan’s cock. “What brought that on?”

  Ryan shrugged. “Dunno. Was just thinking, that’s all.”

  “About?” Lee cocked his head, one eyebrow raised.

  “How Josh pissed me off yesterday before we left.”

  Lee laughed and leaned against the booth seat, his slouched position so laid back Ryan marvelled at the change in him. It seemed the uncertain guy he knew had been replaced with someone who took the knocks of life in his stride.

  “I guessed he had,” Lee said, “but he was just concerned, you know? He’s sort of become like an older brother.”

  “Yeah. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.” Ryan clenched his jaw at the sound of petulance in his voice. You sulky cunt. Grow up. “Look, sorry. I’m being childish. Forget I said anything.”

  “Glad you did.” Lee flipped the coaster in one hand and picked up his pint of lager with the other. “Means you give a shit.”
<
br />   “But you knew I did anyway. Bloody stupid of me to get like this. Felt the same when I first met him. You remember that?”

  Lee nodded and swallowed, lips curving into a broad smile. “Yep, and back then you thought I was seeing him. Daft sod.”

  “You gotta admit, it did look like it.”

  “It did.”

  Ryan looked at Lee, really looked at him, and imagined him not being here now, not sipping his pint like he hadn’t been shot and a whole heap of shit hadn’t rained down on them.

  Was it because of me, this change of events?

  Life had been going pretty good for Lee until Ryan had shown up.

  And then the start of a really stupid thought seeped into his mind.

  What if… No, that’s just nuts. I can’t believe I even thought of it.

  The thought persisted, grew, and he shook his head as though the action would get rid of it.

  What if Lee’s mother is making crap find us so we end up splitting? What if there is such a thing as Heaven and shit like that?

  There. He’d fully thought it. Let himself think something so ridiculous that he questioned whether he’d begun to lose his sanity. How the hell did a dead person influence the lives of the living?

  They don’t. You’re just being a dumb shit, thinking of things to fuel this…this whatever the hell it is that’s making you feel so down. You ought to be more grateful Lee’s still here.

  “I wonder if my mother would have visited me in hospital if she’d been alive.”

  Lee stared out the window beside their booth, out at a street where terraced houses stood looking like a row of white teeth with black tips and even blacker specks. Black painted shutters, some open, some closed, made Ryan think of the inhabitants having a lazy Saturday afternoon in front of the TV, the footy on and a can of beer in hand. And the fact that Lee had picked up on what he’d been thinking…there was something between them, something more than your usual relationship. Nothing otherworldy, no, nothing like that, just…something.

  “No idea, mate,” Ryan said, sipping his lager and not enjoying the penny-tang taste of it. He felt the need for something stronger, though really, their life wasn’t so bad now that he needed alcohol to get through the day. Apart from the trial ahead, the worst was over, so Ryan letting irrational jealousies cloud their weekend was just dumb. He’d regret it when they returned home if he carried on like this. “Maybe she would have. I mean, from her note, it sounded like she’d realised what she’d been like towards you was wrong. Maybe you’d have sorted things out if she hadn’t…” He didn’t finish; didn’t need to.

  “But we’ll never know, will we?” Lee leaned forward and placed his pint down, turning to look out at the bar. “How long have we been waiting for lunch?”

  Ryan glanced at the clock on the wall behind the bar, a big ornate thing, gaudy and totally out of place with its yellow-gold filigree edging. It reminded him of something some old woman would have in her living room. “Half hour?”

  “Right.” Lee made to get up, but a young blonde woman bustled out the double swing doors beside the bar, plates in hand. “About time,” he said under his breath, smiling at her approach. “Stomach thought my throat had been cut.”

  Ryan laughed, relieved he had it in him to do so. He knew what was wrong now. He’d touched on the subject of Lee dying but hadn’t really told him how he’d felt about it. They’d swept it away, pretended everything was all right, neither of them wanting to delve too deep into their emotions in case they burst forth and smacked the shit out of them. He’d worried so damn much that Lee would be taken away, and what with Josh coming over all Mr. Protective, Ryan had the absurd idea Lee would be taken from him another way now. He needed to talk to Lee, to explain a few things.

  To learn to accept, that’s what he needed. Accept that Lee wasn’t going anywhere without him. To believe it.

  The blonde lowered the plates to the table in front of them, and Ryan studied Lee, smiling at the way his lover thanked the woman, nodding as she walked away, him unrolling his knife and fork from their paper napkin cocoon. He wasn’t going anywhere, right?

  “You won’t leave me, will you?” Ryan blurted, surprised the words had come out when he hadn’t intended saying them aloud.

  Lee dropped the napkin to the table, knife and fork poised midair in his other hand. His eyes widened a little, and his mouth gaped before he snapped it closed again. “Ryan, man…” He looked at Ryan with sympathy and understanding. “Stop it, will you? I’m not going anywhere if I can help it, you know that.”

  “Yeah, I know. I just needed… Just wanted… Fuck, you know.” Heat burned Ryan’s cheeks. He felt like such a tosser now.

  “Yeah, I know.” Lee jabbed his knife and fork toward Ryan’s plate. “You ought to eat that cheese there before it curls up. Looks a bit rank, doesn’t it?”

  Ryan nodded. “Not the best sight I’ve seen today.”

  “Oh right. What’s the best then?” Lee speared a slice of cucumber, smiling. When Ryan didn’t answer, he said, “Come on. You obviously want this romance shite, so tell me, what’s the best sight you’ve seen today?”

  Ryan laughed, suddenly shy. This new side of Lee was hard to adjust to. It seemed their roles had reversed. “Your arse this morning.”

  “Very romantic. Yeah. You’re doing well, mate.”

  Laughing, Ryan jabbed his fork into a tomato quarter. “Fuck you.”

  “Fuck you too, man.” Lee chuckled, fork hovering beside his mouth. “Good job I know what you really mean, right?”

  “Yep.” Ryan popped the tomato in his mouth and chewed, swallowed. “This romance business. Isn’t gonna work, is it?”

  “Nope.”

  “Ah, fuck it.”

  “Yep, fuck it.”

  * * * *

  Lunch over, they walked along the beach, the part full of pebbles. Hard going on the soles of Ryan’s feet, but now he’d cleared his mind, realised what was up with him, it was a small price to pay. He was with Lee, and that was all that mattered.

  After they’d walked about half a mile and came to the sandy area, Lee turned to him and asked, “Fancy an ice cream?”

  It was hardly the weather for it, what with the bracing wind and the sudden cold snap in the air, but yeah, he fancied an ice cream. Who didn’t when on holiday? As far as Ryan was concerned, a holiday without an ice cream and good old-fashioned fish and chips wasn’t a holiday at all.

  A row of shops sat to their left, perched up there on the other side of the road that ran alongside the beach, old-fashioned ones that looked like they hadn’t changed in a hundred years. Their roofs dipped in the centres, some slates hanging on for dear life, close to giving up the ghost. They must have been houses years ago, before they became shops, and from the look of the upper windows, Ryan reckoned people lived up there in flats. He loved places like this, relatively unchanged by time. Probably why he loved living in Biddingford. It was much the same as here.

  Lee strode off towards the sea wall, grey rock maybe twenty foot high topped with an equally grey metal guardrail. Ryan watched him go. The wind whipped at Lee’s hair, and Ryan told himself he had to let go sometime, had to let Lee go off on his own. He couldn’t stick by his side forever, hoping to protect him from every little thing.

  A burst of wind swirled around him, and he wished he’d put on his beanie hat. He shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, balling them into fists to keep his fingertips warm. A small shiver rippled down his spine as Lee made it to the sloping path that led from the road to the beach. He climbed it then realised Ryan wasn’t with him, and turned to stare in his direction.

  “You coming?” Lee called, sand coiling around his shins from an angry gust of wind.

  “Nah. I’ll wait here.”

  “You all right?” Lee walked up the slope a bit, squinting at Ryan as though confused and trying to work out if he’d done something wrong.

  “Yeah. Go on. I’ll wait here.”

  Lee no
dded slowly, perhaps digesting Ryan’s smiling face and coming to the conclusion everything was fine. He walked up the rest of the slope and ambled across the road, disappearing inside a newsagents. The sign above the door swung in the wind and, on the wall of the shop beside it, a barber’s candy cane-like tube spun quickly, the individual red-and-white stripes blurring to pink.

  Ryan lowered his head and toed the sand while he waited, the wet clumps dampening his beige suede boots. The sea roared behind him, loud swishes that almost masked the sound of screeching gulls, and he faced the water, intent on keeping his mind occupied while Lee was gone. It wouldn’t do for Ryan to worry about him, fretting for no reason. It wasn’t like Lee would get hurt here. Crossing that road would hardly get him killed. No bastard drove along it.

  White bubbly crests frosted with dirty brown crashed onto the beach, the spume rushing across the sand, inching close to his boots but retreating as though it dared not touch them. Ryan smiled and recalled going on holiday as a kid, when the sky was bright blue with no clouds and the sun raged, its heat burning his shoulders and neck. He’d dug the sand with a red plastic spade and filled the matching bucket, one shaped like a castle. God, it seemed so long ago, yet at the same time so recent. Where had the time gone? He recalled that one year where he’d created a whole town out of sand, a moat running around it and all, and some bastard kid with pasty white skin and orange freckles across the bridge of his nose had come stomping by and trampled the damn lot.

  He’d had fun back then, with Mum and Dad before their divorce, and all he’d wished for was that Lee could have been with them.

  Loved him even as a kid.

  Ryan smiled at the sound of footsteps slapping against the sand behind him and imagined Lee with an ice cream cone in each hand, maybe chopped nuts and strawberry sauce slathered on top. He swivelled, mouth curved in a bigger grin, hand outstretched to take a cone, then stopped abruptly.